emo post ..

hmm .. well .. my bf will be going to overseas on the 10th of september .. alot of people have beed telling me that long distance relationship wont work .. i dont trust .. i'll prove to them that it works .. but it's all depend on the guy .. if the guy is loyal i'm sure it'll last .. to me , i think i'm a loyal gf(only if the guy is loyal ) , although i'm the one that dump the previous 5 ex , but it's not my fault , i didnt dump them because i fall for someone else or no feeling for them anymore n all .. i admit that i'm the one always dump my ex but bear in mind , altho i always dump , i'm the one always sad .. last time i'm always thinking over the same old topic.. when will i find my true love ? i'm the person that's very serious when it comes to relationship , i hate ppl playing around with love n relationship so i'll never be one of them .. i always think , when will i find my true love ? i've been thinking bout this topic since form 3 (2003) till i'm in college (2006 ) i stop thinking bout this ever since i'm in love with my current bf , Edwin , he cherish me , loves me, care for me , n sometimes willing to sacrifice for me (hmm .. not all the thing ) , he's a step away to a perfect bf , a step away to my ideal bf , ideal husband , ideal guy ,last time i used to think that he's my true love , but now i'm really really very worry , i always think whether is he my true love , i want someone to assure me !!, i dont know why ? but i think it's just because i'm simply thinking .. i put all my hope in this relationship , 100% hope .. if one day he really dump me i really dont know what will happen to me? really .. maybe some unpredictablethings will happen .. i used to think that no guys can ever make a gurl cant live without them .. n if yes , i think that this is very stupid , i think now i'm the stupid one .. i realise i really cant without him ..
u know .. i really dont feel like posting this in my blog bout this but i really dont wanna keep everything in my heart , so i decided to post it , well it's ok coz i just gave a few ppl my blog address .. just now i keep thinking , if he never appear in my life what would my life be like , the answer is i'll never be as happy as i'm last time , the times when i was in college n now .. altho recentlyi'm very sad because he's leaving to uk soon but at times i feel very happy , i really dunnno whether will we still be as ham fook n happy as now after he leave and in the future.. u know, everydayi hope n pray that he's my true love .. i really wanna be with him forver n ever coz my life had changed since the day he appear in my life , i start to feel ham fook , start to understand the real meaning of happiness .. he really change my thinking towards love n relationship , change my life , he's there when i need shoulder to lean , he's there when i need him .. he's always there for me .. whenever i cry he'll sayang me , hug me tight tight , made me feel safe , made me feel that someone is there for me whenever i got any problem ..this is the first time that i have this kinda feeling ..coz i'venever cry in front of my bf before , last time i dont trust guy ,, i dont wanna show them my weak weak side , i told myself i must look strong
(mentally) infront of any guy especially my bf .. but to him i really cant , i remember the first time i broke down n cried in front of him n the second he hugs me i felt very safe , secure , felt that someone care for me so much .. since then i start to be very very dependant on him .. last time i dont like my bf to hug me but since then i love his hugs very much , coz i can feel that it's very cmfortable , seccure when he hug me especially when i cry .. u know , in this one n a half year , he made me felt the feeling that i cant find from my five ex .. i really hope he'll be the first n the last person that can give me this kinda feeling .. .. i really love him like mad , and i'm very very worry that he'll fall for other gurl when he's in uk .. i'm very scared that one day he'll leave me .. i really dont hope this to happen , i trust him .. bu i'm just scared .. no matter what happen he'll always be the person i love the most in this world .. no matter what happen , sweet memories will always remain in my heart forever n ever .. i really hope we can last forever n ever , i'm not sure whether will we last forever n will he fall for other gurl .. but i'll try my best to make this relationship to last forever .. really damn emo nowadays , i miss him like maddie , it's already4 days of not seeing him , so saddie , he's going to uk already but not temaning me like mad , but it's ok coz understandable that he need to finish his overseas thing like the visa thingy , but sometimes i really can control myself n merajuk , but it's just all because i really tak sampai hati that's y very emo .. i just want him to teman me more but i know this can never happen coz he's too busy , haha ,, it's alreay 3.30 am , 28th of August .. time to sleep n stop crying , haha , signing out !! byez

hmm....message for stef

well ..stef .. thank for the advice k ?haha ..but rite next time dont scold me wor .. should respect me .. i'm ur cousin sis k !! .. jkjk .. actually i dont understand .. what's wrong with being loyal ? u shoulld try to change from being a playgirl to being a loyal gf k .. like me (perasannya) hehehe .. hmm .. serious la .. at least it's not ur fault if the relationship ends ma ... according to u .. u said that u dont guys to play you .. if they really do that then they just dont appreciate u .. that's all .. next time i'm sure they'll regret ma so why so scared to be loyal wor .. .. btw .. i dont think ur bf is a playboy lo .. you told me he lum u everytime u angry .. if he's playing u then do u think he's that stupid to waste money .. time to pujuk u just because u're angry .. it's not fair to him .. ppl treat u good but u treat him so lam tham n bad .. hhehe .. i never see him b4 so i'm not sure la k?
but do trust ur bf lo .. k?i'm not forcing u k ..it's just a suggestion only .. hehehe

haha .. tiring day

well .. today went to rennaisance hotel with edwin for the University Of Manchester pre departure briefing ... haihz .. at first it was ok but when edwin went n ask question bout the accomodation that time wasnt really ok lo . i really dont feel like telling what had happen today but i'm really very "fan " haihz ... how i wish that someone could tell me whther is it true ? as in what i'm thinking now .. simply thinking can really spoil ur day .. haihz .. well .. today edwin n i went to renaissance hotel in kl , jalan sultan ismail by ktm from subang to kl central n the monorail from kl central to bukit nanas in kl .. after the pre-departure briefing we went to midvalley to meet with his friends .. we went to midvalley by using ktm .. after that we have to sit ktm to go back subang coz edwin's car is at Subang parade .. so mafan .. we have to sit ktm from midvalley back to kl central then from there we'll have to wait for the train to go back to subang .. this is my first time of sitting ktm n monorail .. well .. i thought that it should be fun but it's not ! not at all !!i will never wanna sit ktm anymore .. i dont mind lrt but not ktm .. well ..it was actually a happy day but there're something happen that really spoiled my day .. well .. i hope it didnt spoil his day but it really spoiled my day .. i just cant stop thinking bout that .. haihz .. forget it ..i know he had done lotsa things for him just to gain my trust but sometimes .. when u're scared of losing someone u tend to be very extremly sensitive .. n he failed to ensure me that what i'm thinking now is actually wrong .. well .. i'veseen it by my eyes .. u know .. i really hope he'll explain n ensure me that what i'm thinking now is actually wrong .. haihz .. not i dont trust but i'm really scared.. or maybe i'm just too jealous bout the two things that happen .. but ithink the midvalley one is the worst wan .. haihzz .. jealousy ... haihz .. he did pujuk me today .. alot ... but i'm scared that what he said is just to mek me feel better n happy but not true .. i know he's not that kinda of guy .. i really that he's not that kinda guy but i dunno why the feeling is still there .. maybe it's just jealousy n lack of sayang .. lol .. jk .. maybe i'm just too jealous .. haihz.. luckily i didnt merajuk .. it's not his fault at all .. shouldnt merajuk .. the problem is with me .. not him .. i'm the one simply thinking so shouldnt spoil his day

hehehe

well .. as u know .. i merajuk quite often nowadays .. yesterday also i did merajuk .. n as usual i tot he dont care bout me coz all the time when i merajuk he'll tell me that he's sleepy n need to go offline to sleep .. so when i merajuk yesterday nite he did the same thing .. went offline at arounf eleven somethinf pm .. i tot he really dont care n got fed up with me .. well .. when i was doubting bout his love for me .. he suddenly came online back at 2something am n asked me to view his new website .. n it was a surprise .. actually he cares for me .. he went offline to create a website .. website bout us .. n it's really damn lum.. i almost cry last night .. well main reason i'm lum not because of the message on the website ..the main reason is because .. he was damn sleepy last night .. but instead of sleeping , he created new website to pujuk me n to surprise me .. he was damn tired .. sleepy n got headache but he still didnt go to bed instead force himself to finish it .. when he told me all this yesterday night i was damn lum .. lol .. hehehe .. u know .. i really love him like mad n forever .. btw .. check this out .. http://elmforever.bravehost.com/.. gtg ..

things that i really wanna tell him but dare not !! shoud i tell ?

hmm .. what do i want ? i really dont know what do i want .. i always merajuk at night when talking to him ... every night !!i really dont wanna merajuk so much .. i feel bad for giving him so much of trouble but what can i do ? i cant control myself .. it's the emotion .. it's like what the rich dad poor dad book written by Robert Kiyosaki stated .. i'm letting my emotions to control me instead of using it on my advantage .. stupid right ? i'm the kind of person that really can tahan and contol myself bout anything .. can control my sadness ..anger .. disappoinment n etc .. no matter what happen last time i still can control but recently i cant control myself .. as in my feelings .. emotions .. i'm getting more emo nowadays .. every morning i told myself that i cnnot merajuk anymore .. tonight cannot merajuk when i talking to him but i still and up merajuking ... well .. the best way is not to talk online and webcam with him at night .. but i really wanna talk to him n see him although it's only through webcam ... i have less than 1 month to see n talk to him .. i knoe i must appreciate this days .. coz after that we're not going to see each for 365 days which is really very san fu for me .. but what to do .. haihz .. recently i cry very often .. almost everyday .. cry because he'll be leaving to uk !!! u know .. i really tak sampai hati .. i felt very sam tung when i think that the day is gonna come (as in the day he'll be going to uk ) .. the tears just come all of sudden then start crying like mad .. haihz ... this is what will happen when i'm in love .. i'm the kinda person that take it very seriously when i'm in love .. haihz .. this is bad ... haihz .. that day we quarrel bout he wanna go for gathering with his old skool mates ... well .. not i dont trust him .. i simply think not because i dont trust him .. it's because the friends that he has .. u know .. his friends .. i mean gurl not guy .. all flirt like mad .. maybe to him it's not flirting but to me it is flirting n i really dont like it .. dont wanna mention full name .. just short form will do .. dont wanna hurt other ppl.. his friend, s, flirts with him in front of me before .. even his best friend , a gurl , a , flirts everytime whenthey see each other .. hmm .. not evrytime la .. i guess .. well to him ..he thinks that it's not flirting because they are best friends for quite a long time .. but to me i think it is and i really cant take it .. although i cant take it i didnt even make any noise last time coz both of them were best friends .. so i control myself but recently i really cant ..his friends .. sw .. a .. s .. even his ex gf also flirt with him b4 .. as in when he's with me !! .. sent him that kinda stupid message !! bout his other friend(gurls) i really dunno coz never see them b4 ..right till now i only met this few gurls before .. how can i trust his friends ?how can i not simply think ? he's very close to gurls n his friends tend to flirt (maybe to him it'snot flirting but to me it is ) how can i not simply think? that's why i start to control like mad when it comes to gurls .. coz i know that some things that i think that it's flirting he dont thinks the same way as i do .. i really cannot take it if this happens when i'm damn in love.. he always said that i dont trust him .. the fact is that i trust him but i dont trust his friends .. i know he's a loyal bf .. sayang gf very very very much .. i know he care for me.. i really know all this .. we've already couple for more one n a half years i.. i know what kind of guy he is but i'm very sensitive towards all this .. if i know he has this kinda gurl friends how am i suppose to trust his friends and not simply think if they have gathering n i lose trust on ALL his gurl friends that's why i always simply think .. i really wanna tell him all this like why am i always simply thinking when it comes to gurl but i dont wanna quarrel .. to me .. he MY bf ..only I can flirt with him !! NO ONE ELSE can !! now i know why my friends n other people always tell me love is always selfish .. last time i dont trust coz this never happen to me b4 but now i trust because it's happening .. it only happens when someone is really really in love .. haha .. so ridiculous .. haihz ..well i dont know why .. recently i felt that he doesnt treat me as good as last time ... i know he sayang me very very much ... care for me and all .. but i just dont why i got this feeling .. am i being too demanding ? or Is it because he's too fed up of me merajuking everyday ? or is it something else ? i really dunno..

Love is killing me !!!

haihz

hmm

hmm .. i'm very confuse ... one part of me wants my bf to go uk for the sake of our studies coz i can be easily distracted by him .. another part of me do not want him to go uk coz scared of losing him of relationship will not be that good anymore because he found a better gurl ..before Alevels result is out .. i was praying like mad for his result to be good ..and end uo it was triple B's n fulfils the requirement .. means he'll be going to uk .. at first i felt quite happy for him until this few days .. i really dunno why i suddenly feel so sad .. so emo .. really really tak sampai hati to let him leave .. u know .. one part of me thinks like this "one year only ma.. very fast wan .. "another of e thinks like this .. "omg !! one year !!! so long !! i'll miss him like mad .. i really dun want him to go .. i want him to take 1+2... haihz ... i feeldamn sam tung .. i dont want him to leave ! " omg .. i really dunno what i want ...haihz .. i really feel very fan .. i wanna die !! why ?! u know .. recently i cry alot especially at night .. every night before i sleep i'll think of this thing n end up crying then fall asleep .. haihz ... that's y recently i damn emo n always merajuk if he dont come n see me .. he's going to uk end of this month but he's not temaning me like mad .. but understandable la he needs prepare things to go overseas .. but sometimes i just cant control myself coz too emo already .. i really dunno what to do la .. maybe it's because im too free now .. haihz .. i think when i start my degree wont be as bad as now .. keep on bad mood n simply scold people coz i'll make sure i keep myself busy with my studies ... as inreally damn busy .. until no time to layan anyone except for him n parents .. but one thing CONFIRM will happen .. when i miss him n think bout him i sure end up crying like mad .. i really love him .. really dont want him to leave but no choice.. now also feel like crying di .. well .. haihz...hmm .. i think i'll blog more often coz i really got lotsa sam si .. really very emo n i dont want to tell him .. just dont want him to feel lan cho .. haihz ..

hmm ... emo post

haihz ..my bf is gonna leave malaysia soon .. going to uk to futher his studies .. going end of this month .. n i'll be staying in malaysia for one more year .. so sad .. i know i'll miss him like mad .. i'm going to miss him everyday .. every hour ..every minute n every second .. haihz .. this is so sad .. well i dont mind having long distance relationship as long as my bf dont play me .. i hope he wont betray me ... i trust he wont but dunno why sometimes i'm worried .. worry that he'll betray me or two time or fell in love with other gurl .. really .. but it'll only stay for a while .. i mean the feeling .. so sad la ... but i trust him la .. i know he's not this kinda guy .. u know .. i'm just worry .. that's all ..i trust that he's not this kinda a guy but i'm just worry that he'll change .. to me .. he's a very loyal guy .. really loyal .. all the time also i know that he's a loyal bf .. although i knew bout that i still worry bout him betraying me .. well .. i worry notbecause i dont trust him but because i dont wanna lose such a good bf .. serious .. he's a really good bf .. i just dont wanna lose such a good bf .. i really love him like mad .. when wego out together ..as in shopping we'll chit chat n i love it .. we chit chat non stop .. ;aughing at something .. talking bad bout some clothes .. u know ..those la la clothes .. i just really enjoy going shopping with him .. really very nice .. i enjoy asking him which clothes is nice .. which clothes suits me .. n etc .. u know .. it's really fun .. yup .. i love talking to him .. at times we might not have any topic to talk bout (that's what i dont like ) but sometimes we'll have lotsa topic to talk bout .. sometimes we can talk until dont feel like going home ..but to bad .. we cant .. i just realise .. time pass damn fast when we're together but time pass damn slow when we're not together .. he'll be going to overseas end of this month .. and i bet time will pass damn slow when he;s not here .. i'll miss him like mad .. cry every night .. well .. i have to keep mydelf damn busy for the whole year so i wont cry every night .. must keep myself damn busy with my studies .. u know .. we wont be talking or seing each other for one whole year .. i'm very scared this relationship will end .. scared he fall in love with other gurls n dump me.. i really dont want this relationship to end .. i want it to last forever .. well .. we'll be meeting each other next year .. if by then he still loves me very much then i'll be damn secure n will not be worrying bout his anymore .. i'll consider this relationship is damn stable .. well .. no matter he'll love me forever not .. i'll still love him forever ..if he dumo i'll still love him forever .. but that does not mean that i wont have another bf but no one can replace him in my heart .. i really dont know why but it's just the feeling ..

my love !

I really love him .. really want this relationship to last ..but this isnot up to me to decide .. relationship is two person's thing .. so it's not up to me .. haihz .. i'm just so emo now.. better stop here ..

why ?

he dont understand me !!!! we couple for one n a half year already and he still dunno what kind of person am i.. this is so hurting n disappointing .. he thought i regret being in this relationship just because of my previous post which i've just deleted .. if i really regret then i will never want to continue this relationship.. everyine knows that i wont want the things that i dont like n also wont accept a guy that i have no feeling for .. if i really regret then i wont continue this relationship and will go and find a better bf .. if i regret then i wont be insecure .. if i regret then i wont live with worry that one day he'll leave me .. if i regret then i wont be so stupid .. get jealous of this n sad for that or angry or disappointed for anything ... he said he lost trust on me .. who should lose trust first?last time he said he can sacrifice friends for me .. it's all nonsense ! did i lose trust on him ?! no !!!!! deep in my heart i still trust him .. just that i'm worried .. that's all !!!! i really regret for posting the previous post ... haihz ... when i was typing the previous post that time i'm damn emo .. i simply write ... n not good in using wordsso can easily make ppl misunderstand .. i told him so many times bout this already !!! but he don understand !!! u know ... sometimes i see my friends n their bf can be so happy .. loving ... haihz .. nothing la ..you know .. i really love him like mad .. really really love him n he's thinking all these.. i'm really very hurt .. really very veryhurt