what kind of stupid friends do i have ?

i really didnt expect my friends to do that , my ex classmates are doing that to me !! they asked my bf to dump me !well , when i heard that from a friend , i was quite hurt , should say very hurting , really unexpected , how can theydo this to me ? i'm their friend!!! haihz , you know what , from today onwards they're not my friends anymore coz i really dont wanna have this kinda stupid n useless friend , whether will edwin dump me i really dont know ,honestly all the while i thought he wont , i used to thinks that he wont , but now i really dunno , if he really dump me one day then i will be very disappointed with him coz irresponsible and also he's not keeping his promise, but definitely i wont stop him from doing that , IF one day he really dump me it means that i'm already damn "cheap " n why would i wanna do such things to make myself look cheaper ? yup , i will not stop him from dumping me if he feels like doing that , all i can say is , i trust the wrong person , definitely i hope he wont , but really very hard to say , his friends are asking him to do that , uk got lotsa better gurls for him to choose , n etc . the big probem is my whole family , as in really all of them includong parents n grandmother already know bout it and almost all of them have met him , if one day he really dump me , my whole family especially my parents will worry bout me as they knew that i'm very in love with my current bf, they knew that i cant take stress n etc , haihz , u know ever since he left , my life had been damn stressful , if one day he really dump me , i really dunno what will happen to me , i really love him very much , infinity , as i know , ever since he went uk i have already learning to be considerate n understanding as i know that this is what i'm lack of .so , basically i'm in the process of learing to be considerate n understanding , lol , haihz , you know , actually i cant feel his care since last week , i'm not saying that he must care for me , i understand , he needs to settle down , my point is , does he still love me as much as last time , haihz i really damn emo now lo , how ? can anyone help me ? can anyone teach me how or what to do ? i care for him so much n this is what my friends ask him to do ,n he also said that he everytime also thinks that i'm fan , u know , actually this is very hurting , i care for him , his health , his safety n etc n he thinks that i'm fan , what happen to me ?! why am i doing all this , since he said that , should i just dont care bout him ? as in dont call n fan him ,dont restict him from doing anything just because i thinks that it's bad for health n etc , haihz , i really dunno , u knoe i really feel like crying like mad now , i've done so many things for him n this is what i get, my friends asking him to dump me , he thinks that i'm fan , i think this relationship might end soon since he's thinking like this, i'mreally doing my best to be a good gf ,i care for him , try avoiding thigs that will make him unhappy , gave him what he wants n etc , haihz , i dunno la , i damn emo now , i just want my bf to sayang me , care for me , i want to know that my bf love me , wanna feel loved ,is that wrong? i know he did all that but ... haihz , i really dunno la , i really feel like cryong di ,i have no one to turn to now cpz i dont want to get the person that told me what my friends had said into trouble therefore it's better to blog bout it here asnot many friens have my blog add , why life has to be so miserable this year n so nice for last year :'( very emo , signing outz

i miss him very very very much

i really miss him very very very much , everyday i pray for time to pass faster , but time seems to pass very slow , today we chat thru msn at 5 am (Malaysia time ) which is uk , 10 pm ,we webcam , i was very happy coz this is the first time he webbie since the day he left to uk , u know , when i saw him , i was very very happy n at the same time ireally feel like cryng on the spot coz i really really really miss him very very much but luckily i didnt , i control like mad , we end the conversation at 6.40 something am . there's even stronger feeling wanna cry but cannot coz i have to go uni , n my father was waiting for me in the living room so i have to control, i went to uni , i'm damn sad n emo but i have to act happy till now , so everything burst out now , haihz, today in uni i concentrate like mad , why ? main reason is bcoz i wanna keep myself busy so i wont think of him n cry , second reason is bcoz he webbie with me , i felt very happy. it've already been one week since he left but why am i still crying like mad ? why am i still not used to it ?, u know , last time , before he appear in my life , i tend to worry bout lotsa things , n my life wasnt that happy , but ever since he appear i stopped worrying bout all sort of nonsense , why ? it's because of him , he made me happy everyday , made me laugh every day , be there for me whenever i need someone to talk to , n i dont need to care whether eill he tell out , dont ask me why i really dunno why , i just dunno why i trust him , i feels that he's the only person i can keep my secret with , no one else , no one in this world can be trusted except for him ,honestly , whenever i feels sad , emo or etc, i really wanna talk to someone , i got so many msn contact that's online ( all gurls except cousin brother ) but i just dont wanna tell them , i feel very insecure telling them bout how i feel , what sum si i have n etc ,but last time when i wanted to tell edwin bout any sum si i have i can just tell straight without the need to think so much n worry or feeling insecure .so basically he's my bf n also my best friends n also brother , he is my best friends because i can really talk bout anything to him , even tho my sum si without the need to think so much , he is also my brother because he reallt care for me n sayang me like mad , unlike now , i felt that no one sayan g me , no one to talk bout my sum si coz i dont trust my friends , i got backstab by friends before so amny times so now i dare not trust any one except my baby , u know , today i saw my friend in the playground near my grandmother's house , i was accompanying my cousins(0baby cousin to playground n i saw her with one guy , i didnt walk to her n say hi but instead she walk up to me n said hi , then she told the guy my name , bout my bf is in uk , n ahe also told him how i treat my bf , what i did , what i promise n all , then the insane guy said"wow , can i have ur num ? ur my ideal gf , can we be friends? at first i didnt wanna answer but then he's my friend's friend so just answer for the sake of respecting my friend, i told him "i'm not interested in knowing any guy , i've already found the guy i'll love forever n i just want to talk to him , see him n know bout him , that's all , no one else , then he was like " erm ,vicky (my girl friend) ur friend is a good gf but not a good friend"i didnt care , so before he walk away he said "excuse me vicky's friend , dont be so naive , no guys can ever be so loyal to u , he might betray u one day , u dunno what is he doing there , even if he flirts also u wont know ,he can just lie to u n say he didnt flirts n etc , altho i dont like u as a friend but i thinks that u're really a good gf , you can hardly find a gurl like u ,so i'm just telling u this to warn u so u wont be hurt by him , nothing else , not with any intention , i have a gf n she's a totally different person than u , i wanted to be friends with u because i really admire ur loyalty n hope my gf can learn from u , that's all , i'm sorry if there's any misunderstanding , then i said "it's ok , whether do u have any intention is non of my business , all i know is i'm not interested to talk to any strangers especially guys unless necessary n fyi , u might thinks that no guys can ever be loyal to a gurl but not me , u've never met my bf before so u have no right to say that he's not loyal to me or can never be loyal to me , to me he's very loyal n he's the best guy that i've ever met , then he walks away without saying anything n he looked damn pissed . my scolded me for being so rude to him , haihz , am i rude ? i dont think so , i just telling him the truth , if i'm rude then what is he ? he said no guys can ever be loyal to me ,he's indirectly insulting my bf n my taste , isnt he's the one being rude ? why me ? btw , my point here is , i'm really confused with my feelings , just now i can just tell the whoever fella that he's very loyal to me but then why am i worry that he'll betray me if i know that he's loyal to me?why am i scared n damn worry that he'll dumo me one day ? haihz , can anyone answer my question ? i think my question will remain unanswered till the day i meet him , haihz seriously damn damn damn confused , haihz , u know i really love my bf like mad n the best part is i dunno why i lovehim so much !! i've never ever love a person till this extent , i can even pissed the good looking guy (according to my friend he's good looking,i didnt really look at him coz was busy looking at my cousins playing , scared they get lost or kena kidnapped like the Nurin's caseso i dunno n not interested to know) just because i thinks that he's kinda insulting my bf , u can see how important is him to me ? i really dunno what would happen to me if he rally dump me one day , i know he's loyal , but problem is , why i am so worried when i know that he's loyal ? honestly , will he dump me ? i really wanna know the answer but i think he wont answer me coz he dont read my blog , so i think he dont even know bout this question ,, lol , haihz , i really miss him like mad , miss those happy days , altho there are days where we quarrel like mad but i dont mind , to me , as long as he's by my side i'll feel happy , safe n a lil secure (hmm maybe more than a lil )n most important is when he's by my side ,i'll be damn happy , my life will be very colourful , unlike now , so plain , with him in my life ireally feel very happy , but withou him in my life , i feels very lonely , living with worries , haihz , sad case , signing outz

not used to life without edwin

well , it had already been one week since edwin left to uk , n i'm still not used to life without him ,haihz ,i'm still waiting for his messages altho i know that he wont message me as he's not using the maxis num anymore n also because of international roaming , i knew that he wont call or message me anymore , but i really dunno why i still keep looking at the handphone every minute (when i'm free), honestly , i feel damn san fu , i thought if he go uk i can study n concentrate better but now i kknow i'm wrong coz i cant concentrate at all , worry time when i start studying , i'll think of him coz i miss him very vry very much then i'll cry then i'll be sad n emo the whole day , haihz , it really affect my studies , haihz , u know , now i'm worry bout lots of things , worry bout i cant get the 50 % to go uk , worry bout my studies , worry bout my assignment , worry bout exams , worry bout edwin , worry bout ... haihz ,, dunno la ,tons of things to worry bout , but my main concern is edwin n my studies ,haihz.life for mr now is damn stressful , i really miss days when edwin n i go the same college , same law lecture , miss sitting beside of him , miss talking to him , miss smacking him (hehe), miss calling him all sort of names , miss hugging him ,miss kissing him , miss disturbing him n etc ,haihz , so sad ,dream of him every nite , whenever i see those loving couple i'l think back bout last time then will cry n miss him like mad , so saddie, haihz , really not used to it , i miss him very very very much , i love him like mad , i desperately want him now!!hahaha , michelle sound so desperate nowadays rite , haihz , what to do , i miss him n really worry bout him , i realise that he dont really know how to tke care himself , always fall sick , always drink beer, haihz , really worry that he'll fall sick !! worry like mad , haihz

sadness of life

well , firstly , i wanna say thanks to all my girl friends that kept advising me on the same things ya , but i'm very sorry that i didnt listen to u gurls ,i know i'm stupid for doing such things but i cant help it , like what ashley said i'm too attached to him n too in love , all of my friends have been advising me on the same things , gurl , keep ur options wide in case he betray u n when i tell them that i'm not talking to guys coz of him then they'll ask "did he promise the same thing?" n when i say no then they'll start scolding me , n kept asking me why so stupid? or omg ! what has gone into u ?! , well , like what ashley said , i've establish what ppl used to say , that is , "love is blind" , some friends said , hey , u should go flirt lke mad now k ! come on ,if u gurls know me well enough then u should know what kind of gurl i am , i'll be loyal to the guy if i'm damn in love n if i know that this relationship can last ,so stop advising me or scolding for rejecting ur offer which is intro guys to me , i'm sorry to be rude , i mean it's very nice of u to dothat but i'm seriously not interested so stop doing things that i dont like , i'll have fan kam towards u gurls wan, i'm sorry , hope those gurls wont be angry , i know i'm stupid , ash , i'm sorry for saying that k ? this is what happen , ash said the same thing , then i told her i wont talk to any guys , then she ask " even if tommycome n talk to u , u'll walk away , then i said "i'm sorry but that's what will happen , exception are only for classmates who's in the same group for assignment n family members , that's all " i'm really very very sorry ash , i know i'm very bad but i'm just being honest to u ,i'm sorry , hope u dont mind or dont get angry ya , really very sorry.It's 1.20 am now , i'm still waiting for him to come online or for his email , yesterday he said he'll come online tonight so i start waiting since 10 am till now , 1.22 am , but he didnt come online , my mum also know that i'vebeen waiting for him for the whole day di , then she said "gurl , dont be sad k ?if he has u in his heart , no matter what also he'll try his best to message u , i really wanna cry on the spot di but luckily i didnt , haihz , i knew that he wont come online but why am i so stupid still wait , i was in my room my room the whole day, haihz , i'm really very sad , very san fu . why did i encourage him to go uk ?!haihz i just wanna concentrate in my studies n dun wanna be selfish , am i wrong for doing that ? if not then why am i suffering like mad now ?i think he must be having his fun time of his life , haihz , what's wrong with me ?i kept looking at my hp today altho i knew that he wont message me , when i sleep i put the hp beside
of me,n this morning when pui yee n lai yin message me i was so happy n faster take my hp n read the message but it's not him , i knew that he wont message me but why am i being so stupid ?! like , everyone that sign in i tot it was him n faster check but it's not ,it's my girl friends n brother , haihz , no one knows how i feel , i'm reallydamn san fu , damn sad , damn disappointed ,surprisinly i'm not angry at him , maybe he's too busy with his life there , i'll wait , I MISS HIM LIKE MAD !!!!!! haihz , can anyone help me ?! haihz , i'm crying everyday ,n i cried in front of my brother !! so embarasing !!!this is so bad n san fu ,i have no mood to do anything including my homework , i just hope it wont affect mu studies , haihz , guess , that's all for now , damn emo di , a step away from crying , i think i'll fall in love with sleeping soon , know why ? coz i dream of him everytime i sleep , dream of him sayang-ing me , manja-ing me , so sweet , so ham fook n happy but no matter what i stillhave to wake up n when i wake up all i do is cry ! haihz , what's wrong with me ?! guess it's time to sleep , signing out

why must he lie to me ?!

just now, i just updated a blog telling that how sad am i n bout my plan to distub my brother n also to make myself happy?guess what ? this plan didnt make me happy at all ,but made me more emo n sad , this is what happened , i signed in to his msn , n was finding for my brother's contact in his msn , i found , it's under the category of other contact , i found his contact n under his contact is someone's contact , guess whose contact , haihz , it's mui yit's contact , he said he deleted her contact di , this is the second time he lie to me , he swear that he wont lie bout this di anymore , i trust him , n this is what happen , whether did he talk to her i really dunno , i just know that he didnt delete her contact , if he wanna talk to her then why don be honest to me?! why must lie ?! yesterday he told bout something related to not being honest but i have forgivven him on the spot , at least he still tells me , at least its not i find out myself , haihz ,, this one i really dunno la , haihz , i told my brother bout my plan n what i found out, he came into my room n told me that edwin's online , he said "i messaged me but he didnt reply n went offline then i told him it's me then i told him what i found out , he said tai sei because i wanna disturb him , so bad , haihz ,i really regret signing to his msn , maybe i shouldnt have even think of playing my brother, i really very confuse , very sad , of all , why i must find out bout all this now ?! why ?! why must he do this to me ? why when i trust him he wanna do this to me ? i really wanna ask him , i'm not angry , not insecure yet ,i'm just waiting forhis explanation , i really hope he wont lie anymore

life without edwin

well , i dreamt of him , i dream of him sayang-ing me , then i sleep on his lap ., then i woke , n i cry cry like mad , i really miss him very much , you know , today the whole day i was damn emo ,haihz , sadness of life , u know , the worst part is i'm damn sum thung n haveto act as if i'm ok , act asif i'm happy , reallyreally very san fu , in front of everyone i was laughing n smile n etc but when i'm in the room , i cry , haihz , today i kept looking at the phone , haihz , i'm not used to it , haihz , saddie ,i'm really very sad, haihz , thanks for those who advise me , my cousin , raymond n stephanie ,friends, lai yin , ashley , hsei di , thanks alot , but ur advise dont work on me , haihz , all the while i tot i can accept that he's leaving me for few months , all the time i thought i'm mentally strong but i'm wrong , haihz , sad case , even my mum also realise there's something wrong me , kept on advising me , i really miss him very much , know what ? today morning , my brother kept asking me whether he reach uk di , i said i dunno , why dont u ask him when he's online ,hehehehe , know what i plan to dosomething to make myself happy that is pretend to be edwin n talk to my brother then tell him that i'm his sister then definitely it will be damn fun , hehehe , i got edwin's password hehehehe , darling , if u read this , i'm sorry ya, for signing in to ur msn without permission hehehe !! hahahaha !!! heheheheh signing outz 1 wanna go disturb my brother , hehe what a good plan ,hehehe , bye!

emoness of life

today is 15th of september 2007 , my baby is leaving malaysia at 2.00 am , it's 1.32 am now , he just called n told me that he's going on into the plane , guess he's already in the plane n preparing to fly , haihz , i really feel very sum thung now , i dont know why but i really cannot accept that he's leaving m'sia tonight and leaving me alone for nine months , i'm just too dependant on him , i really dunno what life will be without him in my life , dunno what life would be without his sayang , hugs , kissesand etc , haihz , i'm really damn emo now , damn sad , damn sum thung , i hope he'll remember what he had promised me today really really hope he'll remember n also dont break the promises , dont betray my trust , and dont betray me , i really hope he'll love me forever , honestly , before this i didnt trust him but after today i think i'll trust him because that's the only thing i can do n feel a little secure back because he said he'll webbie with me this year would be saddest year in my life coz edwin n i will be separated far apart from each other for nine months ,my life for this nine month will be back like usual , plain n boring life , i really hope nine months will pass faster so my life would not be plain but full of colours , darling , i know u sayang me very very very much , i knowu do cherish me , i know u're damn loyal to me , i know , i just really really hope none of this will change or decreases after nine months , i dont mind if it's getting more n more but not decrease , especially ur love for me , k? if u read my blog then answer me ! it's a must ! darling , i love u forever , i promised , with everyone reading this blog witness my promise , i, michelle yee shin jiun , promise that i'll be damn damn loyal to u , will not betray or break any one of ur promise , i hope u'll do the same too , i trust , 100 % trust that our relationship can last forver , trust that no matter what happen also , it wont affect our relationship , dont betray my trust k ? altho we're far apart from each other it's ok , like what u said , altho u're not here for me n i'm not there for u , we'll never be lonely . why ? because ur heart n love is here to accompany me for the next nine months and my love n heart is there for u to accompany u for this nine months , i really really really hope u wont betray me ,n i trust u , remember what u've promised k ? darling , i love u forever , i'll miss u always , i'll think of u everyday .., remember , drink more water , n must lead a healthy life , if not then i sad sad , it's already 2.05 am , i think he's leaving m'sia now , love u forver u baby , signing outz

i love him very very much ..

i'm really very sad , he'll be leaving tomorrow , at night , haihz , i've been crying like mad since yesterday ,i think today i cried more than yesterday , i really cannot control , i cry once i woke up , cry when i was doing something , cry in the car n also now , i really dunno what i want , but i really cannot help it , can anyone help me ? i really feel very sum thung .. we're gonna be damn far apart from each other , i'll miss his hugs , kisses , sayang ness , his love and care , his jokes , his cute cartoon face , miss teasing each other , miss everything !!! i really dunno how to live without him being here for me , i still remember that i cry like mad when broke up with gim howe, now i cry worst then when i broke up with gim howe , so saddie , i really loves him like mad , well , i'm not the only one that cries , edwin also cry , hehe , he cried when we were talking on the phone , hahaha , well , when i knew that he was crying because of me , i really feel very touch n also unbelievable ,no guy had ever done that to me before , u know , he made me lose trust on him two days ago , and what happen today actually made me trust him back , but not fully trust , i know he love me very much ,i feel insecure n lose trust on him is only because i scared he'll fall in love with outher gurl n dump me , i really dunno what will happen to me if this really happen , i know that he's very loyal but he can change rite ? haihz .. i really dunno , i think the best way is to take it as a test , if we're meant together , nomatter what happen also cant affect our love n relationship , but if we're not meant for eachother then no matter how u force alsowill sure break up , that's all for today , signing out

sadness of life

My bf is leaving to uk on the 15th of september 2007 which is this coming sat , he told me today , evening , around five or six something , i guess , not very sure bout the time he called coz i was sleeping , when i answered the call he told me that he'll be leaving on the 15th , i felt damn damn sad , i felt like crying on the spot but i can't because i was talking to him , n after the call ended , i cried , cried like mad , was crying non stop , trying to stop myself from crying so long coz my eyes hurts but cant , i really cannot control myelf ,i've been damn emo the whole day , he called me just now , around 12.14 am , he talked bout he'll miss me n etc , when he talked bout this my tears roll down on my face , i cried again , he doesnt know that i cried while talking to him coz i manage to control my voice , control my voice as in try to sound like normal , coz i dont want him to know , i dont know why i just cannot control myself , i know that i pissed him off just now but i really cant help it coz i cant control myself !i hope he'll understand , well , after he end the call , i feel damn bad for treating him so bad , i really didnt mean to be so bad , just that i love him too much , haihz ,, i dunno why but i really feel damn damn damn "san fu " i've been crying like mad , very emo , very sad and very insecure today , haihz ,, dear friends , if i ever talk rudely to any of u i hope u can forgive me because i think i'll be damn emo for this few months , but dont worry , i'l try to control myself , haihz u know , i feel very sorry for treating my baby like that , i felt bad n sad for treating him like that , i really wanna say sorry to him but i'm not sure if i'll talk to him like that again tomorrow , haihz , i'll try to control myself also , i really feel damn sumthung , from next week onwards there's no one will always sayang me , no one will kiss my fore head , no one will lend me their shoulder to lean on when i need it , no one will make me happy , no one will make me laugh , smile , n feel lum , and most important of all no one will talk to me like how he do , u know , i really really will miss him like mad , altho one n half year isnot long but i really felt extremely happy , my life had change from a normal life to a life full of colours , like rainbow , full of happiness , full of ham fook ness , n etc . i'm really not sure whether will he love me forever , not sure whther will we be as ham fook, happy as now nor will he dump me , but one thing for sure that is my feelings for him will can never decrease , my feeling for him can never change no matter what happen because he's the the best bf or guy that i've ever met in my life , i really love him very very much ,, infinity .. i'll love him forver n ever n will miss him always , everyday , every hour , every minute n every second , signing out

cont ...

well .. i'm damn insecure n he's doing soething that'll made me even more insecure !!! i'm just so sad !!!! i really dunno what he wants , what he think n etc ,, maybe he just think that it's not worth sacrifice anything for me , guess i'm the only stupid person , i'm very very sad , very san fu .. can anyone help me ?haihz ,, no one will understand

will he love me forever ?

will he love me forever? he said he will , if i'm last time michelle i wont trust but surprisingly i trusted him , now i'm doubting bout this , we quarreled today .. for some reasons , today i was damn happy and excited after finishing class coz he'll be meeting me after class for studio picture ,my friends , ex classmates had last gathering today all of sudden , they told me and i was like "hmmm , i'm sorry , i'm going out with my darling " and one of my friend was like , "this is the last gathering di wor coz everyone is going to uk soon , i told her i'm really sorry coz my bf is going to uk soon also so i really wanna go out with him more , then she was like .. hmm ok ... well , i thought it will be a fun n happy day but once i got into the car , he talks till damn fierce but he wasnt scolding me , but bad mood , he said it's not my fault , not because of me , but i think it 's , he was controling himself , broke my promise today for controling himself , i didnt say anything coz i know he's in the bad mood , dont wanna make it worst ,so after that we talk eat n etc , i thought it's ok already but i was wrong,he talk damn fierce to me again coz i'm wearing heels n wearing revealing ,this time i really felt extremely sad , i wanted to cry but i told myself that i cannot cry, n i didnt , then he said he'll be going to pyramid alone n it made me even sadder , i just wanna see him longer , today might be the last day for us seeing each other n i thought it'll be a great n happy day but i was wrong , it's a very sad day , i reach home , really wanna burst out and cry but i cant , my mum n dad is at home , they might suddenly come into my room, i dont want my mum to think that he's not a good bf, i told her that he's a very perfect bf , i'm very insecure , simply thinking every night, i told him that i'm very insecure today but he didnt seems to care , after fetching me home , he just sent me one message which is "reply me if u want to talk " i was like omg ! u didnt pujuk me, u know , i feel extremely insecure, i got a really strong feeling that he really wanna dump me or will dump me soon , if this really happen i cannot blame anyone , i'm the only one to be blame , everyone told me not to trust my bf coz guys cannot be trusted , even i think the same too , (last time only ) but i trusted him , n this is the first time i trust a guy coz i thought he'll realy love me forever , will cherish me , sayang me like mad no matter what happen , haihz i thought if i love him with all my heart , be damn loyal to him then this relationship will last forver , maybe i'm wrong , i really dunno but i'm damn insecure n have a strong feeling that he'll dump me soon , haihz , i think i wont be telling him this , no use , he wont do snything with it, he thinks that i'm putting more pressure n burden on him coz his mum n preparing for him already made him damn fan , so shut up is the best way.haihz , he didnt really care when i told him i was insecure , didnt pujuk me when i'm sad , honestly , am i being demanding for expecting all this , if yes , pls do tell me , message me n tell me , only gurls can message ! signing out