why am i so stupid?

well ,i'm really damn hurt n sad bout the way he treat me recently , yesterday we quarreled , n yesterday i was like guessing whether will he come online n my feelings told me that he will not be so bad wan , he very sayang me wan , no matter what also he'll come online wan so i woke u up BY MYSELF , without the need of using the alarm clock n guess what ,he wasnt online . so i plan to call him n he told me that he's not going to come online because we quarrrel . this is really unexpected , i really didnt expect that he will treat me like this , really unexpected . Honestly i tot he still sayang me like mad , but i'm wrong . U know , yesterday rachael was telling me that ur bf is ur everything n it's true , he is my everything so no matter how angry or sad or disappointing also i'll try my best to cool down n forget bout it n i did . so what if he is my everything? i'm not his everything also , sometimes i really dunno why am i so stupid , i felt that he's treating me more n more lam tham but i still try my best to "kuan sam " him more n try my best to care for him .when friends ask me who ususally call who , in order to avoid letting my friends to talk bad bout him or give my friend a bad impression , i lied , i said sometimes i call n sometimes he call . i reallly feel that i'm damn stupid , i know he's treating me lam tham day by day , but i always tell myself "nothing wan , small little thing only ma , he very sayang me wan , i'm just thinking too much" am i trying to lie to myself ? i guess so . why am i so stupid? ppl said this is the power of love . haihz if that's true then i think it's stupid . Haihz , maybe , after all , he does not love me as much as last time anymore , maybe it's time for him to dump me soon . if that's so then i really have go n die already , i trust the wrong person , n i'm damn CHEAP !!! anything la , i think i've already did my job as a gf , should say more than what a gf will do , i call him , friends always say that i'm wasting money n time but didnt care , i still make an effort to call see to check if he's ok n etc , i wake him up so that he wont oversleep n cant sleep at night , i care for his health , restict him from drinking this n that n etc , there's nothing else i can do anymore , u know i really care for him , but i really dunno why i'm treated this way, friends said , i this kindof gf is hard to fins anymore , n they will ask me whther am i happy coz she praise me , so what ?my bf doesnt think like this , the person i really love doesnt think like this , happy for what ? all compliment anyone made to me didnt made me happy at all because i want it to come out from the person i love the most n not other ppl , haihz ,getting emo di , better stop here , signing outz

sleepy post

i'm sooo damn sleepy , yesterday i was chatting with roxanne from 11 something pm till almost 3.30 am , well , we chat bout lotsa things , hahaha , rox , know what ? it's really damn fun chatting with u yesterday n honestly , after telling u my "sam si " i felt much better , thanks ya .. love u , btw , gonna chat again k ? wow , today's english class was so not fun , my lecturer got so angry , he raised his voice towards one of my classmatesn asked her to shut up , my friend got so angry n pissed. well i understand la , but think properly la , he's already 70 something years old ,he is an old man , why must care so much bout it ? to me i think that i should attend for his class n respect him as my lecturer no matter how mean he treat us , i really pity him lo as my classmate is not gonna attend the english class anymore because of what he did today , n the worst thing is they're planning to complain bout . Think properly , why would u wanna so "kai kau with an old man , i also got bomb by him because was telling pui yee something but i didnt really care , didnt talk bad bout him or whatever cozi think he's damn old di , we shouldnt treat him so bad , we should respect him . i told my friends that he's old already , we should at least respect him a lil n my friend's reply was like this "so what ? old doesnt mean that he can do that to me rite ? " i dunno why but she just made me feel that she dont respect him at all , u know , i understand how she feels la , lecturer raise his voice n asked u to shut up infront of the whole class , i know how it feels but ppl old already i really thinks that we should respect him n just take it easy with it lo. haihz , dunno why they wanna complain n talk bout him bhind his back , at least he did apologise right? haihz , i pity him .haihz , didnt chat with edwin today , busy with his damn movie , haihz , suan ba , shouldnt care so much anymore. i'm soooo damn sleepy !!! i wanna sleep but then right , it's 5.37 m now , if i sleep then tonight i confirm cannot sleep wan , i wanna sleep early tonight so that i can concentrate tomorrow ,haihz , but then right , second thought i think i better take a nappie first , heheheh . really cant stand the sleepiness la , haha , signing outz

can people stop giving comment bout me?

i heard from my friends that my ex dance friends (long time no see n talk ) saw me that day , they told my friends something , altho it's good but i just dont like it, not all is good tho , they comment on my looks that's good but said that i'm getting bitchy , haihz , i will really LOVE IT if that comment is from my bf , i just wanna hear comment from my bf n not FRIENDS . That day my father's friend said ", waaa , ur daughter is starting to look like ur wife as she grow older , that's good ", i was like "what?! are u indicating that i look old ?! why is it good ? is it a compliment or an insult ?" well , i dont really care much bout all this is comment hmm , i feel quite stressed up , haihz , due date for contract assignment is apporaching , saddie nya , but legal skills come first , need to hand up legal skills on 16th of november 2007 , haihz , one day before my birthday !!!!! not fair !!! sad sad !!! this year's birthday will be damn saddie to me as my bf is in uk !!! saddie . :'(

why am i always in the losing end in every relationship ?

why ? why am i always in the losing end in every relationship ? is it because of loyalty or what? i really dunno what he wants ,he said , we shouldnt talk so often anymore , talk when we're free or feel like talking , means what ? u know , i'm really very tung fu now , really ,i really dunno what to say or what to do ?why must i know bout this only when i knoe that i cant live without him in my life or it's hard for me to live without him . i'm in the losing end now , i've lose everything , i've totally lose anythin , i just wanna know why must i be so tung fu n heart broken n tung fu now, i know he's getting bored of me , i'm not the girl he wants anymore , i think he might consider finding other gurl that suits him , i'm not sure , right now he still havent dump me yet , i dunno what he wants , u know i'm really very hurt n tung fu , i rfeally love him why must he treat me like that ? why i just be like heung ling , found the guy will love me , sayang me forever , i just expect to have a bf that will love me forever, i dont expect him to be perfect , loyal to me , love me more than i love him , sayang me , then i'll stick to him forever , is it hard to find such guy ?! i tot i foung one but haihz i really dunno ,='( , i'm really very sad n hurt , idunno what should i do?='(

..

firstly , thanks for the compliment , like what my friends used to tell me , no matterr what u should say thank u to the person who praise u or whatsoever , whether u think it's true or not , so thank u !! but i think it's not true , hehe , sorry , this is the fact . Today , i chatted with a gurl , my classmate , named , hui ann , her bf went to cardiff last month . She tol me that her bf didnt go to club or pub , he was invited to a porn party n he didnt even think of going because he didnt want hui ann to simply think , n acording to hui ann , her bf used to sayang her like mad from last time till now ,they take turn to call each other thru ohone n sometimes thru webbie , they used to talk for one n a half hour everyday n talk more during weekends . soooo sweet !!! hehe , well , i know my bf used to sayang me also so it's unfair for me to complain so much =) therefore
i have nothing to say bout him. Hui ann told me , quarreling often is very normal as sometimes we will feel insecure because we're far apart from each other n we do not know what r they doing . well , i agree with her bout that . To me it's more than that , always quarrel n also disappointment , i really dunno what to say or what to do , haihz , nvm la , i cannot do anything so might as well just forget bout it . I really love this guy , really really reallydamn in love with him that's y i put 100% hope on him n in this relationship . Although i'm very very very disappointed with him but i still put 100% hope iin him n this relationship. Why is that so ? because i really love my bf like mad , n forever . i cannot do anything to this disappointment but to accept it n dont care bout it . If u really love someone forever n with all ur heart then u should accept whatever he say or do altho u're not satisfied or do not like it n not to force him to change unless he is willing to change himself for u => i reallt should learn to trust him more , i guess, sleepy , wanna zzzzz now , signing outz

.. haihz

u know , i was damn dan happy on mon because we talk bout something n eventually everything is ok , yup , on mon i got that feel , as in the happy n ham fook feeling that i used to have last time , yup , really very happy bout it , i tot this feeling will remain like this for a long time but haihz , u know i just got to know that recently he always goes toclub n when i asked him he said no i didny ,is this call honesty? he reminds me of what he did last time n made me feel extremely insecure. yup , i only felt ham fook n secure for one day , one day only , that's all , i thought this feeling will last as long as i considerate , try to control my feelings , n etc but i dunno why i went out of control n scolded him again , actually to be honest , i'm DAMN DAMN disappointed with my bf , ever since he left uk he had never give a damn to listen to me , when i'm angry he didnt really give a damn to pujuk , yes he did , but unlike last time . haihz , got lots more reason but i think better dont complain too much , u know, actually i hate my bf going to bar n pub , n he's going there quite often nowadays , i didnt like him to go there not because i'm scared that he'll betray me but it's because i dont like it , i just dont like it , i dont want my bf to have this kinda going to pub n club habit too often ,but what can i do ? nothing , who am i to stop him ? his friends are important to him , he dont wanna lose his friends, so therefore forget bout it la , i'm the one always have to control myself n tahan ,actually honestly i 'm really dman disappointed with him , i alwats have the feelingg that he will go pub or club especially after quarreling but i told myself to trust him , the kinda guy i choose will not be like that , i must learn to trust my own taste more so i did trust but now it ended up with disappointment , huge disappointment , i start to feel that there's really really a gap between us , i tot ireally know him n understand him therefore i need to trust my tast that i will not have this kinda bf but i just realised i dont really kknow him or maybe that he had change as he was not like that last time ,he was only a step away of being the ideal guy that i dream off , but nnowi think it's a total big difference , he's doing somthing that i hate but i dont wanna tell him , i knew that his friends are important to him therefore he cannot afford to losethem so forget it , n i tot that he'll really pujuk me or make mehappy back but he didnt , everytime when this happen he tend to go offlinr earlier i really suspect if there's somthing is wrong with us ,i really thinks that there's a big gap between us as i do not know what is he thinking now n do not know what kind of person he is n do not know how will he treat me as everythin i expect is not happening but insteaad it's going the other way round , haihz , i really dunno what to say , u know i was really happy on mon n hope to be like that forever but with his this kinda new attitude n habit i think we wont be as happy as last time kua haihz, i shall just keep quiet next time, i really wanna cry di , starting to be emo , so better sign out now
byez

sadness ....

u know , maybe one day i'll really be used to it n dun care anymore , i'm really damn hurt , i really dunno what to say or what to do , how i wish if there's someone to be there for me , to talk to me . i miss heung ling , talking bout heung ling , i must say sorry to lisa , i didnt reply ur message yesterday coz i need to go for my cousin's birthday party , i apologise here ya as u have my blog address n always read my bloggie really sorry , i reply u now here k , btw , u said u're gonna change account rite then remember add me wor so that i can know how's ur sister n her bf in australia , how r they ? r they staying together ?i guess heung ling will be damn happy as she was hoping to stay toether with him quite long already , hehehe, yup n that day i talked to Racheal n she told me that her bf actually asked her to engage with him right after their degree , is it ? i mean it is true ?if that's true then help me to congrats ur sis !! her dream came true !! hehehehe , tell her this , dont merajuk n complain so much that she's so unlucky wor k ? the next time i talk to her i want to see that she's happy with her life n her "fiance" n not complaining that she's unlucky n etc k? i'll smack her if i hear that from her again , n help me to answer her question , i''m still with edwin now but maybe he'll dump me soon kua , lol , haihz , dont tell her the dump thingy k , if not then she'll complain bout him again .well , i just realised , this new post sounds more like an email then new post for blog , but what to do ,all lisa's fault, that day u just told me that u're changing msn acc n hp num,ask me to delete it n asked me few question , didnt tell me ur new number n msn acc , so bad ! so forgetful !, if u read this post then pls pls sms me , remmeber to give me ur new acc but i think it's better to add me ,i lazy wann add n also give me ur new num as i still got lotsa question to ask n wanna know more bout ur sis's lifen dont wanna talk bout so much thing here , she'll kill me . pls remind ur sis to add me n u can give her my bloggie add as she asked rachael to ask for my permission to get my bloggie add . i wanna talk to her !! i miss her !! that's all .. i guesss , remember !!! ....... ok , back to my topic , hehe , my bloggie post , haihz ..Just to let other friends know who's heung ling as some of them doesnt know her . heung ling is my close friend n really close pet sis ,aha , confuse rite ? my best friend is ashley (high school friend) n my close friend is heung ling(ex dance's class friend )which is also my closest pet sis . Actually both of them , my best n close friend is lucky , ashley met boy boy at the age of 15 or 16 n last till now , sooo longg !!! heung ling met her bf at the age of 12 , n got together at the age of 14 till now !! this one longer !! her bf or fiance actually asked her to register(register as in "teng fan ") after degree !! this shows how much her bf love her .. yup , n the funniest part is ,she always complain to me bout her bf n how bad he is n etc but she didnt know that actually she's damn lucky to have met him ,hehe , she's gonna kill me if she read this . Seriously , i feel happy for her as her dream to get marry to her current bf came true , not everyone is as lucky as her . :),actually since young i have this dream that's if i ever meet the guy i love the most in my teen age i hope to stick to him like mad n get married next time n i told ash bout it when i was form 1 or 2 n ashley always say that this will not happen ! see heung ling !! prove to u !! hehehe , maybe it will not happen to me but that doesnt mean it will happen to any one else including u my dear ashely . hehe , i know u feel like smacking me di . hehe . honestly , i'm not lucky in love life , i've met the guy i love the most but i dont think he'll love me forever which means my dream ..... haha .. nvm .. =) ,signing outz

he lied or what ?

he lied to me or what ? he's going for clubbing (dunno when) , and what he told me last time ? he told me that he dont like clubbing , he said will never go clubbing and now he's going to club in uk ! is he lying or what ?had he ever care bout my feeling ? all he care is his friend's feeling , pls , why am i so stupid ? can anyone tell me why am i so stupid ?!! i can care bout his feeling until i cant dont listen to my friend and made them angry but whatever , forget it , i really wanna know why must i suffer ?! all the while i'm loyal in relationship but i just dont the guy that's meant for me , especially in this relationship , i'm just so cheap , :'( , no knows how i feels , u know , when u met someone and u thought u're meant for each other and really trust whatever he said n end up knowing that you actualy trusted the wrong person , u just feel so damn cheap . No one knows how i feels , i really did lotsa things for this relationship (willingly ), hoping that it wll last n we will remain loving like last time n end up like this . just i kinda piss him off n u know what he said ? i wont come online forever n see whether who will be san fu ,i can tell u that this prove that he's not san fu , he come online just because i want not because he wants to talk to me , u know i really miss those days that he really care bout me n all , i really felt damn happy , ham fook , he was there for me when i need houlder to lean on , when i need ppl to talk to n etc , he was there to sayang me n manja me n etc, altho we quarrel alot but i was really damn happy n ham fook that time , my happiest moment is last year n early this year till sept ,that's the happiest moment in my life that's really unforgetabble , maybe now he dont love me as much last time anymore or maybe he fall in love for other gurl n etc , maybe he's gonna dumo me soon , i'm cheap , i really feel damn heart broken, really very heart broken , :'( signing outz

confused

well ,i'm really confuse , confuse bout whether am i insecure or not , sometimes when i'm sad , angry or disappointed , i'll feel insecure but this feeling will go after few hours , it will not last , haihz, whenever i feel cared n loved then i will not feel insecure but when he make me simply think i'll feel insecure like mad, haihz , really confused . Main reason why i always feel insecure is because he fail to prove to me that he'll love me forever . he failed to prove to me that no matter what happen he will not dump me , he failed to prove to me that if one day a pretty gurl with nice body likes him or approach him also he will not care bout her n will not dump me for her . haihz, i just want him to prove to me that no matter what happen alsohe will not dump me , no matter what kinda gurl liks or loves him also he will still love me as much as last or more n will not dump me . Haihz , well , sometimes i felt that he dont really care bout me but sometimes he made me feel that he still care for me ,sometimes i feel loved n sometimes i dont , haihz.saddie .. he's the guy that made me let go bout gim howe , i can let go n not regret bout it anymore is because he made me feel that there r still better guys in this world , that time we were just friends , he told bout how he treat his ex n etc , he proved to me that there r still lotsa better guys n i shouldnt regret bout breaking up with gim . He really made me felt damn happy when we were friends n after we couple . He gave me ham fook-ness , happiness ,n wtc . In this one and a half year i actually felt very happy n ham fook ,my love for him increases day by day , He's really very important to me , he plays a very important part in my life apart from my family .. really, ican tell u ppl honestly , i cannot lose him , i love him too much to lose him , no matter what kinda guy appear in my life also i will not care or even bother to talk to any guy coz to me i thinks that i've already found the person i'll love forever so there's no need or no reason for me to layan other guys anymore except for classmates(if necessary ) n family . Lisa n sarah asked me one same question,u will not layan that guy even tho he's rich , handsome , cute , treat u better or damn smart ,u will not layan him even if he's a perfect guy? my answer is , i will if i'm last time's shin jiun but not now , i think that i've already found the right wan n if i've already found the right wan i'll only stick to him n will not leave him unless he wants to dump me n to me, whether is he handsome , cute, rich or smart doesnt matter to me , all i want n hope for is , he sayang me like mad , treat me damn good , care for me, love me , will love me forever will not btray or dump me . if he can assure me that he can fulfil all that it's already good enough. he's my dream guy , to me he's perfect , n he's my ideal guy if he can really assure me that he can do all that . , . Majority of my friends will say this"u think like that doesnt mean that he thinks the same too " i know , but i really cant help it , if u ask me not tobe serious in this relationship , not to be loyal to him i can tell u i'm sorry , i cant do that , i love him too much alredy ,i always hope that he'll be my future husband , i know he might not think like that , i cant read his mind , i know but it's ok . haihz , i'm starting to be emo , gonna stop now , i dont wanna cry cry , nites , signing outz !!

...

last week i felt that there's a gap between us , we 're not as close as last time , not as loving as last time, haihz, i told myself that i'm thinking too much so i didnt really care bout this prob , but now this feeling is getting stronger n stronger , haihz, am i demanding too much ? i really wanna know the answer , i expect him to talk to me one hour or maybe one half hour a day at my 5 am which is his 10 pm everyday , am i demanding too much by expecting that , besides that i expect him to treat me as good as last time , am i demanding too much?friends , pls be honest , am i being too demanding ? u know , just now i watched tv and there's a show , named , fire challenge , there are two guys that loves this women n want her to be their gf , she dunno who to choose therefore they end up in that show , she wants some comment from those ppl which is known as reasonable man or can also be considered as" judges" in that show , they 'll ask each other question tell the so call judges what happen n all then the judges will give her some comment bout the both men ,there are two men , one is employed n his income can support the women n the children n hid looks is ok , not ugly fat or look nerd or anything , whereas the other men , he dress very" lau sau " earn very little income , can say not enough for himself , dress till nerd nerd , act nerd nerd n quite fat , basically , if compare outlook n who is richer , the other guy would be better as the income he earn is more than enough to support the women n also outlook is presentable which mean ok , not ugly , but the other is the total opposite , altho he's poor ,act nerd nerd , dress nerd nerd buthe had been there for her n loves her for EIGHT years already , this women had been in a marriage for two times but end up divorce n she has two children , in this eight years , whenever she sad , whenever she need anyone to talk to or etc , this poor guy had always been there for her , there to comfort her , sayang her n etc , whereas she only got to know the better looking guy for one year in ktv . do u know who she chose in the end of that show , she chose the better looking guy as he can support her n the two children n also because he's better looking . i was quite shock n pity that poor guy.he had been there for her for EIGHT years , love her with all his heart for EIGHT years n this is what he got,.what is this ?! this gurl actually was touched by the guy n told he guy that if he's willing to let go his dream of being a singer n start to find a safe job n stop being a nerd then she might give him a chance n this guy didnt want to change as he doesnt wanna let go his dream .she was touched !! but in the end she chose the other guy which is outlook n income is better than the guy n not the guy that she had feelings for , not the guy that she loves . actually i was thinking whether will edwin be like this women , i put 100% hope in this relationship as i know that i really love n will not leave him no matter what happen but is he thinking the same as me? if next time he meets a better gurl , pretty n have a nice body n treat him quite good n also likes him ,will he dump me for her? i keep thinking bout this , what if he really does ?i know he's loyal but he's in uk now ,a person can change because of the ppl around him n also because of environment . Haihz, last time i was a lil in love withthis guy named gim howe , we broke up for some reason n it took me more than three years to forget bout him n do u know who's the person that makes me forget bout him ?it's edwin , after i broke up with gim howe i did accept other guy bt all the guys fail to make me forget bout him as i dont have the feeling that there's a better guy than gim howe , but edwin somehow made me feel that there's actually a much better guy than gim howe in this world. when we were friends he told me how he treat his ex n how his ex treat him n there's a feeling telling me that he's a very good bf , way better than gim howe n he is . he mean alot to me , he plays a very important role inmy life besides my family , i really hope to last forever with him but can we ? it's not up to me to decide as relationship is two person's thing , if one daythere's a pretty gurl with a perfect body likes him n approach him , will he dump me for her ?i'm really very worry , i love him with all my heart , put 100% hope in this relationship , be damn loyal to him , n if one day he really change his mind to go for a better gurl , i wonder what will happen to me , haihz , .actually before he leave malaysia , i was hoping for him to prove to me that nomatter what kinda gurl or how perfect she is also he will not dump me for her n will love me forever no matter what happen but he didnt , that's the reason why i'm so emo after he left malaysia n why i'm alwasy insecure , haihz , :'( ,really damn emo , emo till i cant rephrase my sentence properly haihz ,my post is full with broken english , really have blog with proper english di , haihz , damn emo !! signing outz

...

today , 6th of october 2007 , 6.16 am , i woke so early because he's suppose to talk to me now as in webcam , n when i call n asked him why still havent go online yet , he said , his friends party still havent finish , still need to wait for another 2 hours , ya , so he can flirt for extra 2 hours rite ? haihz , this is the reason why all the while i'm insecure , he said he wont n see now , what happen ? haihz , i real cannot accept lo , why must i suffer? why all the time i must be the one crying n sad when he's having his great n hapy time flirting , talking to gurls , n etc ? u know, haihz , i really dunnno what to say , all i can say is why am i so angryn damn saf ? ppl just treating u as a gf , ppl still have a wide choice , he stll can choose the gurl that he love, haihz i' already trying my best to be a good gf , hoping for this relationship to last foerever as compared to past 5 relayionship, haihz , maybe after all we'renot mean for each other which means i'm cheap , haihz , anything la , signing outz

emoness of life

do u think we can last? i kept thinking bout this ,just now roxanne was telling me bout jennifer's sister , she told me that jen's sis had already registered n moved to ireland with her fiance as her fiance pratice doctor there , they had already been together for more almost 10 years. They couple since 15 years old till now which is 25 years old , according to her, jen's sis fiance sayang her like mad . well .. honestly when i heard that i asked myself this question , will he be like jen's sis fiance ? can we last like them ? i'm really envy them , i really wanna be like them as i really love him , love him like mad . i know he does love me but whether will it last i really dunno whether will he love forever . we talk everyday , as in webcam , but we're likeno topic to talk bout , he gave me the feeling that our relationship is having a gap , as in we're not as close as last time anymore , u know , i really very worry bout this , haihz , i dont wanna tell him as i know that he's already having lotsa stress n pressure ,i dont wanna add burden on him , i have no one to turn to coz i dont trust my friends , that's y i have no choice but to blog it here , haihz , it ha already been few weeks since he left malaysia , but i'm till not used to life without him . why ?
why?! haihz , i just got my assignment , got lotsa homework to finish n i cry almost every nite , haihz , damn stressful , haihz , i'm gonna be crazy soon , very soon , ireally dunno why but i can feel that our relationship is not as good as last time anymore, can we last ? will he dump me ? haihz , you know i do trust him , 100 %, but i dont know why i just have that kinda feeling , n this feeling is bugging me ,haihz ,:'( , so sad ,today , 5th of octiber , is my brother's birthday , he was damn happy , he celebrate his birthday with his gf , when he came back , he told me how happy he is n etc , when i hear that he said "this year's birthday is the happiest birthday i've ever had coz i celebrate with my gf " this reminds me bout how happy i was last year , i mean on my birthday , too bad , this year the person that i really love cant celeebrate my bday with me , basiclly this year's bday is not meaning ful to me , not at all , haihz , saddie , too emo , signind outz